August 3rd 2002

Billed as the party to top this season's summer parties, the assembled upper-classes gracing the splendid grounds of recently landscaped Derwent Manor were not to be disappointed.

Emergency sleeping and first aid facilities were hastily erected in the driveway in light of recent events that have blighted aristocratic gatherings at the Manor.

World Leading Paranormal Investigators Liam and Aura Pants were on hand to give palm readings to the invited guests. Aura was also seen exorcising evil spirits from the hound of the Manor - Master Harry.

Lady Linda, fashioning a hat design popularised by 80's pop group Mel and Kim, received cherished gifts in celebration of her twenty first birthday, as well-wishers joined in a chorus of TV favourites, including BBC children's programme 'Bodger and Badger'.

80's music was in abundance courtesy of host Viscount Fillingham who together with Sir Christopher Richards (himself son of a German Countess) is co-authoring a book on the subject. Sir Christopher was also presented with a valuable bequest of Menorcan pottery bearing the inscription 'Beware of the dog'.

Having foolishly dismissed the house-servants, a stubborn Countess Katherina Shallcross-Smith narrowly escaped serious injury when the barbeque was engulfed in flames.

Husband Mark later admitted that his wife Katherina is in fact suffering from a rare mental disorder which manifests itself in pyromania and an irrepressable addiction to Twiglets.

Count Shallcross spent much of the evening in the library, viewing examples of erotic artefacts. The library at Derwent Manor is dominated by a recent acquisition, a Gilbert & George piece from the late 1970s.

Lord and Lady Lorrimer were in attendance, with Lord Tim engaging guests with home movies, recently transfered to DVD on a terribly expensive Apple computer.

Hostess Lady Clare held court with her distinguished guests for the entire evening and did not retire until everyone was safely escorted from the grounds in the early hours of Sunday morning. Papperazi assembled at the gates to the estate reported that lights were finally extinguished at 4.00am